Category Archives: exercise

You Fat Ba**ard

I recently had the occasion to stand on the scales. This led to two rather unpleasant revelations:

1) I’m a fat bastard


2) I need to start doing something about it *right now*.

Seeing the scales *nearly* touch 80Kg wasn’t nice. Especially as your humble correspondent is only 5′ 8″ when he stands up straight, the round-shouldered slob. Gentlemen should not have boobs, either.

So, with only the faintest air of desperation, I bought an exercise bike.

Today it arrived. (Thank you Amazon).

– it was assembled with meticulous care according to the instructions. (Except the bit that was wrong)

– it was stood up and sat on to adjust the saddle height

– it was used. Only –slightly– painfully. Here she is in all her glory:

Exercise Bike

The thing that'll make me sweat and wheeze

Doesn’t my mother’s garden look nice?

So back to the point.

This post will be the first in a (hopefully not too-frequent) series journaling my rise from pathetic wimp to velodrome demi-god. Or something like that anyway.

In reality I’ll settle for:

– the loss of (most of) the fat gut

– the ability to see my feet while standing up (nearly) straight

– the ability to walk up hills without collapsing into a undignified wheezing heap (At least not before I get to the top, anyway)

So, today’s little session was recorded as such:

5 mins at setting 1 (A baby could peddle it)

15 mins at setting 5 (You’re *still* pathetic)

Speed (approx) 23 Kph

Distance covered: 7.4Km

Calories burned (Yeah, right!): 112

Pulse (This is probably wildly inaccurate): 125-ish

[I did try setting 8 (Cycling uphill through tar with the wind in your face), but needless to say thought better of it almost straight away!]

So in conclusion, not only am I a fat bastard, I’m a grossly unfit one, too.

This is not going to attract the ladies. Not that I’m going to anyway, but at least I can try. Badly, as usual. Ho Hum. Progress will be recorded and used in evidence.

You’re not going to get photos of the gut, though. That’s just TOO gross.